Lying Is Okay
So many relationships suffer with trust issues. In fact, only the very most extraordinary relationships—relationships founded upon true harmony and intimacy—are exempt from patterns of dishonesty and mistrust. Sometimes it may be only small things that partners lie to one another about. For instance, you might casually ask your partner, “What are you doing?”, to which they reply, “Nothing” or “Responding to work emails”, when the truth is that they're doom-scrolling on social media, for the twentieth time today.
Or perhaps your partner lies about something bigger. “Did you smoke today?” is met with, “Of course not. It didn’t even cross my mind!”, when actually they're hiding a newly-opened pack of cigarettes in their glove compartment, right beside the mints they purchased along with it. Why the lies?
Imagine you are standing across from someone who cares deeply for you. They have a bag that has two items in it. When you ask this person to give you one of these items, they reach into the bag and pull out the one they think you will appreciate and enjoy the most. This is what happens with lying. Almost always, those who lie to us are trying to give us what they think we want. It's an act of generosity!
Even when we claim to want complete honesty from someone, they may not necessarily believe us. They might expect that our reaction to the truth will be one of anger or irritation, something that could burden the relationship with conflict and stress or cause harm. Predicting that they’ll spare us and the relationship from anguish best by lying, they try to protect us and the relationship by giving us what they genuinely think we'd prefer. Although this generosity is misguided, the intention is pure. In the moment, lying seems like the kindest and most compassionate option for all parties involved.
If you discover that someone has lied to you, what is your reaction? Do you feel betrayed? Hurt? Offended? Do you become indignant or reprimand this person for lying to you? If so, then this emotional reaction arises only from your misunderstanding. After all, when was the last time you really got furious at someone for treating you in a way (that you recognized) was generous, loving, and kind? Likely never! And yet you’re going to feel angry about someone lying to you? Like I said, misunderstanding.
Chances are you want others to be open and honest with you. If so, whenever you learn that someone has lied to you, understand that they weren’t being sneaky, immoral or untrustworthy, but that, in actuality, they were merely confused. And that’s it! They gave you what they thought you wanted.
Were they wrong? If so, just let them know. If you get angry at someone for lying, you’ll achieve the opposite effect; you’ll show them that they were right! You reveal to them how disruptive you receiving the truth can be, which is precisely what they predicted. As a result, this person will likely continue to lie to you in the future, just as often if not even more now.
If we genuinely desire honesty, it's up to us to prove it by responding to the truth with as much grace and gratitude as we can possibly muster. Demonstrate your preference for honesty by exercising emotional autonomy through The Art of Giving Permission™. Eventually, others will learn to know this about you. They’ll start to understand what it is you really want. Then, although they will still be treating you with generosity, this generosity will no longer result in lying, but as transparency instead.
Now, just to set the record straight, I don’t support lying. I support understanding lying for what it is, a misinformed act of love and generosity. In extraordinary relationships, honesty is always the goal. With emotional wisdom, we can nurture and support our relationships in a way that encourages truthfulness, not by asking for it, and certainly not by demanding it, but by receiving the truth calmly whenever it is offered. When those who love us know exactly what we want most of all, this is what they give us.