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Dorchester Center, MA 02124
Many clients have been talking to me recently about their feelings of loneliness. Of course, this isn’t particularly uncommon. The desire for interpersonal connection, intimacy, and companionship are an intrinsic part of what it means to be human. Indeed, no one enjoys feeling lonely. Consequently, the question of how to transform feelings of loneliness is certainly an important one, which is why I decided to give this topic some extra attention lately.
As is my habit with most things, I like to challenge myself to see beyond the obvious, investigating whether what seems to be true is actually true. Regarding loneliness, I’ve concluded that it absolutely isn’t what it appears to be on the surface. In fact, I’ve become convinced that loneliness doesn’t actually exist. Here’s why.
First, let’s quickly make the distinction between loneliness and aloneness. Aloneness is simply the state of being physically separated from others. Loneliness, on the other hand, is a matter of subjective experience, the feeling of separateness that may occur with or without aloneness. Many people can feel lonely within a crowded room, while others may feel perfectly content in solitude. As such, it’s clear that aloneness and loneliness are not synonyms, nor do they inherently accompany one another.
The implications of this are that feelings of loneliness are not actually caused by being alone, not caused by lacking a lover, or more friendships, or healthier relationships with loved ones. In truth, whenever we feel a way that we have been taught to identify as “lonely”, what’s happening is that we are having an unenjoyable emotional experience that we attribute (mistakenly, I might add) to being alone, likely declaring something like, “I feel so lonely right now.” In truth, during such moments, we’re not actually lonely; we’re something else.
We’re bored! Think about it, when our attention is firmly engaged in something, be it our work, a show on television, a passion or hobby of ours, even if we are completely alone, do we ever feel lonely? We don’t. We only potentially feel lonely when there’s a lull, when we’re not sure what to do with ourselves, when we’re doubtful or uncertain of our purpose in the present moment. What we’re really experiencing isn’t loneliness, it’s boredom–which, by the way, is really great news.
It’s great news because, in any moment, we have a lot more power over our boredom than we do over our ability to immediately connect with others. If we misunderstand our emotional experience as loneliness (rather than boredom), then how might we attempt to remedy it? We might start texting or calling people to see who’s available, reach out, attempt to socialize. Maybe people will be there for us and maybe they won’t. Either way, we’re putting ourselves in a very precarious position, depending upon others for our personal sense of happiness and emotional stability. If no one answers our invitations, we’re in a pickle, stuck feeling even lonelier.
What if, instead of labeling such feelings as loneliness, we recognized that we are not–at least in the moment–actively engaged in something truly meaningful or enjoyable to us? What if we were to instead proclaim, “Oh, I’m just bored right now!” If we did this, we’d understand that we had the power to transform this unpleasant emotional experience, all on our own. Now, rather than feeling weak and dependent upon others for our joyfulness, we can make a conscious decision to cultivate happiness by attending to our boredom, which is oodles easier than conjuring up relationships out of thin air. If we’re alone, so be it; that doesn’t mean we have to feel lonely.
Like I said at the start of this article, the desire for interpersonal connection, intimacy, and companionship are an intrinsic part of what it means to be human. I want and expect you to honor within yourself this natural desire to have an abundance of rewarding relationships of all types in your life. Just know that loneliness/boredom need not be even the tiniest part of this process. Go ahead and cultivate these relationships you desire, not because you’re bored, but because your life feels so immensely full that you cannot pass up the chance to share it with others. This is the path that is possible for each and every one of us, once we understand the true nature of loneliness.