Tag honesty

Being the Shore: The Ins & Outs of Emotional Closeness

People are always changing, flowing through shifting emotional states. As we morph throughout time, one of the things that fluctuates is our desire for emotional--and physical--closeness. This phenomenon can really complicate relationships! Your partner might not want to cuddle or have sex or share a meaningful conversation at the exact moment you do, or vice versa. You might want to feel closer to someone who doesn't want closeness, or want more distance from someone who seeks greater closeness from you. An important question then arises: What's the best way to manage these ever-shifting desires for closeness and distance? Here's what I tell clients.

Why Lying Is Okay

So many relationships suffer with trust issues. In fact, only the very most extraordinary relationships—relationships founded upon true harmony and intimacy—are exempt from patterns of dishonesty and mistrust. Sometimes it may be only small things that partners lie to one another about. For instance, you might casually ask your partner, “What are you doing?”, to which she replies, “Nothing” or “Responding to work emails”, when the truth is that she’s on Facebook, for the twentieth time today. Why the lie? Because she knows how you feel about her infatuation with social networking. Or perhaps your partner lies about something bigger. “Did you smoke today?” meets with, “Of course not. It didn’t even cross my mind!”, when actually he’s hiding a newly-opened pack of cigarettes in his glove compartment, right beside the travel-sized bottle of mouthwash he purchased along with it. Why the lies? Well, I’ll tell you.

How Much Privacy is Too Much Privacy?

Trust is a major issue that commonly comes up in couples counseling, especially in cases where one or both partners have experienced infidelity in the past. If we want others to trust us, then we decide to trust them, trust them enough to hide nothing from them. In particular, we trust that they will not react emotionally to discovering a certain piece of information related to us. Because we want extraordinary relationships, we choose to remain transparent. Because we want extraordinary relationships, we forego privacy, certain that we prefer being discovered over remaining hidden, certain that we prefer being known over remaining unknown.

Inviting Honesty: How to Get the Truth from Anyone

Imagine that you have this great idea for a party. You plan the most resplendent décor and exquisite cuisine, lavish flower arrangements, and only the best in lighting and live music. You’ve diligently prepared every detail. Unfortunately, your party isn’t going to be much fun if you skip one essential step: sending out your invitations. Most people value honesty and recognize it as an important aspect of healthy relationships. However, it takes some wishful thinking on our part to assume that others are always going to be honest with us—our closest friends, family members, and partners included—simply because we want them to be. This would be like expecting all our favorite people to attend our party without inviting them to it first.