Tag forgiveness

Under New Management: The Art of Rediscovery

I've been feeling a bit like a restaurant lately, which is an uncomfortable thing to admit. I'm not used to comparing myself to buildings, much less ones that serve food, especially considering that I am a notoriously poor cook. Nonetheless, it dawned on me recently just how perfect this metaphor is to describe a phenomenon that I believe is fairly common among people in general, not just me.

Creating a World without Assholes

People can be real jerks. They can be rude, condescending, insulting. They can be greedy, selfish, egotistical. They can be stubborn, narrow-minded, hard-headed, and sometimes just plain mean. You probably know a few people like this, people you avoid as much as possible, those sundry unpleasant sorts you've come to regard as, well, assholes.

Letting Go When Holding a Grudge

When we resent someone for something they did or said, we are holding onto something in the past, something we do not like, something we have not forgiven. Holding onto this thing is hurting us, just like holding onto a cactus. No matter how justified we may feel to be holding onto this perceived offense, doing so is causing us pain and solving nothing. So what if we are justified? It’s like proudly declaring, “I have a right to clench this cactus!” Okay, sure, but that doesn’t change the fact that you are harming yourself in the process. You can feel as justified as you want, but those needles are still sinking deeper and deeper into your palms. Don’t you deserve better? Don’t you deserve to not suffer? Don’t you deserve to forgive?

The Dangers of Saying “I’m Sorry”

Most people believe that an apology is a kind and considerate way to take responsibility for one’s past actions. It is common practice for individuals to seek apologies from those by whom they feel wronged, or to apologize when others feel wronged by them. This stems from the notion that apologies have a certain reparative effect, that they have the power to heal emotional wounds. In actuality, this is true. Apologies do heal. However, there are healthy and unhealthy ways to apologize. Unfortunately, most people apologize in an unhealthy way, a way that, although it may ease some tension within the moment (and therefore seems helpful), actually injures the long-term vitality of the relationship. And this injury far exceeds the benefit. It is like placing a Band-Aid on a scratch, only the Band-Aid is laced with lethal toxins. Since this idea—that an apology can be harmful to relationships—goes mightily against the grain of normal thinking, let me further explain.

When is a Relationship Officially Over?

When people tell me that they no longer have a relationship with someone, I know this is untrue. No matter how great the gap that divides two people, no matter how vitriolic or rare their interactions, even if these interactions are basically non-existent, the truth is that the relationship persists. It may not be a great relationship or be particularly rewarding for either member, but it continues to be there, if only barely, nonetheless.